I've been on Tumblr again tonight (must resist temptation to restart!!!). I enjoy being anon, honestly. I miss out on the 'fun' Tumblr offers- because scrolling through pages and pages is really fun- but on the other hand it makes me smile every time I post a Bible verse or an encouraging message on people's profiles and watch them get encouraged by it. Kind words help make a day. I've been there.

Tonight the message I left in a ton of ask boxes was "Remember always that I love you, and that God loves you too." And a lot of the responses was "Thanks anon! I need to work on that! I need to remember that God loves me, and it doesn't matter who else does." I smiled a lot at that.

Then I thought about it.

For someone who posted that in a lot of blogs, I'm certainly not very good at that myself. The last couple of months, I've been fluctuating. On one hand, I've been busy to the point of near exhaustion/collapse, but that's completely drained my self-worth. I've been so busy throwing myself into my work that I've managed to convince myself that I'm not worth it- and so I work even harder to convince myself otherwise. Is it any surprise that I've cried so much the last few months?

God loves me, and it doesn't matter who else does. In light of everything I've been reading lately- Platt, the Bible, other people- it reminds me often that I'm going to have to step out of my comfort zone sometime soon and actually start living my faith. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks- doesn't matter how much I'm going to get judged for it- it's my faith, and I'm going to have to own it. In a couple months I'll be going to college. ESPECIALLY if I get into Brown, my faith is going to get so challenged and I need to be able to hold strong through everything.

Self-esteem has always been terrible for me, you know? I've always been the sort of girl who says that reverse psychology works best. And in some cases it does... but in the long run I end up killing myself on the inside. The last few months have been an endless cycle of me constantly struggling with the thought that I am worthless, unloved, alone, solitary. Which if I think about it is complete BS. One look around my friends and family should tell me that, yet for the last few months I've turned my back on everyone and focused on going further than ever before.

So tonight, this is a reminder for myself. Future Me, if you're reading this, remember that on the 6th of November I reminded myself that I am loved. And then remind yourself. Because it's true. You have people worth living for. You have a God who willingly sacrificed himself for you. In the end, can you say that that's worth it? Yes, you can. You are blessed beyond belief. It doesn't matter if D (your current interest at the moment hmm?) or E or idk, F, G, H, etc etc etc doesn't love you- or at least, they don't love you in that way, because deep down you know they would do almost anything for you.

God loves you.

You should have learned to love yourself.

I love you, no matter what.

Love,

Past Me.