Jane: You need to let it out. Otherwise you'll explode from all that anger.
Lisbon: I hope you're standing next to me when I do that.
Jane: That's what I'm afraid of.

I am so screwed up this spring break. This is why I shouldn't be given any free time. I start overanalyzing. I start looking at the minutest details that shouldn't be stressed over. Fretted over. I start questioning myself, start doubting. And then the cracks start showing. The cracks in my armor that really shouldn't be there. The armor, that if I'm being honest here, shouldn't even be worn at all. And then it's one big huge brou-ha-ha where I have to patch things up. Start over. Put in some glue, work some magic to make the cracks disappear, go invisible.

But that's the thing isn't it? Sometimes the cracks don't just disappear. You know it's there. Simmering under the surface. Waiting for the day when things settle down, when the glue gets worn away, when it's safe to come out and play. Then they start coming out again. The mirror enhances them, magnifies them, shows their vain appearances. They want to be seen.

I'm sick of it. It's always one never-ending cycle. When is it going to end? When am I ever going to find the time to walk away from it and start over? Because if I'm going to be honest here, and I will be, I am the same girl who was hurt all those years ago.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? That's a lie. Words do hurt, darn it all. And sometimes... sometimes they hurt so much, they leave an open wound. An open wound that doesn't heal so quickly. An open wound that doesn't heal at all.

And it's those times that you really wish your armor was stronger. When you wish your glue was better. More durable. Most times, we don't get that. When we trust in God, we will. But it takes tremendous amounts of faith to do that. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I have that faith.

I'm not quite sure I have anything. And I'm tired of wondering. Tired of trying to figure things out. I may be smart, but I'm no Einstein, and Einstein couldn't even figure this dang life out. I just want to sit on my bed and not think. Just... sit. And listen. But, I guess that's never going to happen.

I don't need advice. I don't need someone to preach at me and tell me that I'm too proud for thinking people only come to me when they need something. I don't need someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay.

I need someone to look at me and tell me that it's okay to cry. I need someone to hold me close and just hug me and not say anything. No talking. I just need someone, to show me through actions, that gosh darn it, they care.

They care. I need that. I need trust too. And faith. What will it ever take to get me to move a step forward?
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