Mirror, Mirror On The Wall..
Tuesday, April 21, 2009 | 7:11 PM | 0 comments
Why don't I like the girl I see? The one who's standing right in front of me?
Why don't I think before I speak?
I should've listened to that voice inside me
~'Mirror, Mirror' by M2M
I've been wondering lately..
what kind of person AM i?
Seriously asking myself that question, I don't know what to say anymore. I used to be this really bright sprite, whizzing around and all happy and stuff.
I guess that was BEFORE things started tearing me apart.
I guess that was WHEN things were going well.
I guess that was BEFORE doubt crept in and became a permanent roommate.
I guess that was BEFORE I looked around and felt insignificant.
Nowadays, it's like there's a permanent need to feel loved and successful that buries itself deeply into my soul (sort of like those mites Mrs. Spencer told us about). Doubt and self-consciousness and questions creep in at the most random moments...when I'm laughing with my friends, I can't help but wonder- what are they really thinking? Hypocrite? Loud? Psycho woman who will eat us alive? Sad case, basket case, pest, clingy..the list could go on and on and on...
And I can't help but wonder, because I've been hurt before by people I thought I could trust.
I trust very easily. Just in case you didn't notice. And when I get hurt...I get seriously hurt. Call it a very weak defense mechanism, if you must. It's the same every time I give in to my instincts and trust someone. I'll wonder if they ever get sick of my incessant talking, or jabbering, and if behind that smile, they're actually wishing that I would get lost.
It's part of the reason why I can't confront her, I guess. I really don't know, maybe because I don't want to turn into one of those people? *takes a deep breath* Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to tear down her self-worth, just like mine was. Either way, I don't know where to turn anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what people really think. Mind-reading glasses should have been invented by now. Does ANYBODY want to start patenting? *looks around*
Anyway, I guess the point of this post was just to let off some tension. The last few months...have been very hard. Well, hard in my opinion. I'm not dying of the Black Plague or anything... it's just that I've been dealing with image issues, friendships, rocky paths and cliffhangers, and most of all, self-confidence.
After that little mishap a couple years ago, it's become very difficult for me to be self-confident anymore. A lot of my friends don't know how much I have to will myself to stand up in front of the class/ speak out of turn/ raise my hand in class/ stand up for myself. It's come to the point where I nearly hyperventilate and have to take really deep breaths to calm myself down. Public speaking has never been my forte, but it's become a little bit more difficult since I had my self-worth torn down that day.
and few people know this, but suicide was actually an option I considered over the last couple of months. But praise God, people always stepped in before I could seriously consider it.
The last couple of months..I have been looking for confidence. Something I am absolutely, undeniably, good at without having to think about it-just like people are irrevocably good at art. Or writing. Or singing- effortless. I always thought it was bowling. Guess not. But well, like I told Amelia and Kwang, being good at something doesn't mean that that's all there is to life. Just like I told them that being a good Christian, child and friend was important, so I have to believe it, in whatever I do. I still haven't fully understood that, but I guess I'm going to have to set an example. Which I find I haven't been doing lately.
And then there are the self-examinations. The last few months, I've been questioning my decisions. Have I mentioned that I hate decisions? I always question myself- will this work? Does it go against my beliefs? If it does, then HOW THE HECK DO I NOT GET THEM TO CONFLICT AND STILL LET IT WORK OUT?!
See, I don't even know myself anymore. The recent blowup between me and my friends has caused me to question my self-worth even more. Am I this? Am I that? Eventually, the two sides of me are going to conflict, and one side has to win. I'm not sure I know which side is going to win, and I'm not sure if I know which side I want to win.
Well, this post has certainly been somewhat satisfying. *taps chin* Maybe I've finally found what I'm good at. Complaining and whining.
How.............
......................useful.
