and you will be loved

can you spell total meltdown?

Monday, April 27, 2009 | 6:26 PM | 0 comments

Today's just been another one of those days. Just another..bad day. And I hope that that will be all that is.

Who am I kidding?

Today's not been the best of days. I woke up, thinking that it was Sunday. So I already wasn't in the best of moods, even though I was generally happy to BE going to school.

And then fourth period hits, and then doubts and depression and all these sad emotions start pressing down on me.
(A lot of ranting will be done here. Prepare yourselves.)

YOU are such a jerk. Coming behind me just to annoy me is so third-grade. Really, you can go grow up. Well, if you were capable of that... Which I doubt you are. And laughing at me because somebody accidentally threw a jacket that landed on my head? Quiet as you think you are, you're an idiot. I CAN HEAR YOUR OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER BECAUSE I SIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID BOY.
And the worst part is, that eve though you're a petty kid with the mentality of a third-grader, you STILL managed to drag my day through the mud.
I hate being insecure. I hate events that scar you for life and cause you to doubt every single thing you do. Evey single thing you say. Every single person that you come across. I hate having to think about what they're actually thinking about you, every single thing that lies beneath their smiles. I hate wondering why my SO CALLED FRIENDS ditched me. I hate having to look at myself and pick out every glaring flaw about me, which happens to be every freakin' thing.

I hate being insecure.

So halfway through sixth period, I started feeling like I couldn't breathe. Like you know when somebody thumps you on the back so hard, you lose your breath? Yeah, that happened to me. Except that once I lost my breath, I couldn't breath for the next five seconds. And I wasn't even doing anything! I was leaning over, writing my English vocab down. THAT'S IT. And then my ear starts hurting, and I grimaced for the next ten seconds or so...
That incident scared me. Not because I couldn't breathe, but because I was already feeling so incredibly down, I just wanted to die. Just stop breathing, and step away. It was so weird. Like, I couldn't breathe, and the thought just flashed into my mind:

"I could die."
And I wasn't even bothered by it.
That is scary.

Needless to say, that non-breathing experience scared the bejeebers out of me. Lunch was a very quiet affair. Only Hannah, Adora and Marilyn noticed that I was quieter and a little paler than usual. Probably because when I spoke to everyone else, I tried to keep the smile on. And it worked. I got mostly everyone. Except those three.
Ryan and Eugene? They disappeared. Eugene stole Ryan. So much friends, huh?

Ahh, what the heck.

Global studies was way better though. It cheered me up immensely. The global studies people are just so much fun, you can't help but smile with them. I mean, really. They're cool people, and I actually managed to laugh and smile with them. First time all day after optional tutorial.
Oh, but Marshall wasn't here. =( I no like that.

And then, after school, my friends dump me. yeah. Friends. Hah.
One minute they're there, the next, when I look up, they're gone.
Way to go, guys. Way to leave a girl stranded.

So I walked to my locker-alone-
And I walk out of school, alone.
And guess what?

I SPEND THE NEXT HOUR AFTER SCHOOL WAITING FOR MY MOTHER.

ALONE.

The only person who came to sit with me was Jess.
And she had to leave right after that.
So I got to spend the next forty-five minutes or so waiting.
Alone.
And I actually cried at one point, because I didn't know what life was like anymore.
I mean, seriously..
Life's just been so twisty and turny lately.
It's nothing compared to other people's, I know, I know.
Call me an ungrateful wench, then.

Whatever.
I don't think I care anymore, anyway.

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