"she went her unremembering way."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008 | 12:14 PM | 0 comments
Isn't this the cutest icon ever?
I was thinking about stuff today.
Crazy stuff really.
I was thinking about Kar Mun, my friend. Chuin you know what I'm talking about. For those, who don't...
When I was thirteen, I lost one of my friends, one that I've known since Standard One.
Not lost in the sense that we fell out of touch, but.
Lost.
As in she passed away.
It was a shock for me to wake up on the very morning that she passed away. It was one of those typical cliches that you see in movies. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing their happy little song.
And then you start smiling, thinking that today's going to be a great day.
And then you turn on your phone, and a message comes in from her phone number, and you pick it up, and almost instantly feel a horrible feeling in your stomach.
And then it's there, swimming before your eyes, and you can't even read the words anymore, because sudden tears have welled up in your eyes.
"Kar Mun passed away this morning at 6 a.m."
That's it. That's all you can see. Nine simple words that tear at you.
Six a.m. You were sleeping, for heavens sakes.
While you were sleeping, dreaming about your life, your friend lost hers.
That's what happened to me. I couldn't think, couldn't function.
I could only sit on the sofa in my living room, and shiver. Even though it was the hottest day possible, I shivered.
My mum came home to find me huddled on the couch, not moving.
And when i told her, I couldn't even cry.
I just sat there shuddering.
I didn't cry.
Till today, I wonder if that means i was being cold-hearted. I didn't cry.
Not till a year later.
I remember I smsed Selina and Shaun.
And they were nice. They kept me company through sms even though they were like miles away in Genting.
Life never seemed as blank as then.
I didn't go for the funeral.
I couldn't.
I didn't dare.
Wasn't brave enough.
because I knew that if I went, I'd just break down.
And as cold as it sounds, I didn't want to break down.
This was one of the closest friends I had ever had.
We shared food.
sat at the same table.
We were in the same Brownies troop.
She was my troop leader.
And we were in the same class in secondary school before I went to MGS.
And then she's...gone.
Doesn't it just scare you, that people can just disappear from your life when you least expect it?
And he said take my hand,
Live while you can,
Don't you see all your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand
In the palm of your hand,
In the palm of your hand.
Doesn't it scare you that time passes by so fast and snatches away the things that you love?
Doesn't it scare you that you live in the moment and then look back and see that moment millions of miles away, like a fleeting glimpse through the haze of time?
Doesn't it scare you that looking back, you see the people whom you always expected to be one of your best friends, or the people you always expected to be by your side, and then when you come back to the present, you see nothing but a shadow of what used to be?
I don't know about you, but I hate change.
I don't know about you, but I hate it when people leave me. Or when I leave people.
Because it means that I have to leave the world I created.
It means I have to stop living here and start living there.
Even now. I look back at every piece of memory that i've kept.
My prefect badge.
Avienne's shell from the beach.
A Musical Night ticket.
The huge card.
The photo album of notes.
Pictures on my computer.
My screensaver.
Old text messages.
Songs that we listened to together.
Even just looking back at my tennis racket.
It brings back memories that won't stop.
Looking back at pictures of me and Kar Mun that we ever took, and looking through yearbook pictures...
it reminds me of things we did, things we had, and things that we could have done together, things we never did.
People disappear everyday from our lives.
People can just walk away when our back is turned.
Shadows remain; where they used to stand.
tears bring them back not.
They only dilute what used to be there.
These silly little wounds will never mend;
I feel so far from where I've been.
--->Vanessa Carlton 'White Houses'
And really, what can we do about goodbyes?
Goodbyes are inevitable.
Living in the past is so unhealthy, but nobody said that what feels good is always healthy.
I tire of saying goodbyes.
For once, I need a hello.
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don’t come and go.
-----> Duncan Shiek, "Barely Breathing"
We don't know what's going to happen.
We probably never will.
And we won't understand until it's passed by us.
I don't know why I lost a friend.
I don't know why people lose people either.
I don't know why people choose to leave
their friends and family behind.
And if you look back,
And not find me there,
If you keep me in your mind,
I'll be everywhere.
For me:
The only real thing we can do is not forget about who we've lost.
We don't have to have them in our head every second of the day.
But we can think about them occasionally,
Remember the things they did that made you smile.
Smile for them, for yourself, for what you had.
Even if their face becomes fuzzy in your mind, hang on to it.
Because they were something special to you.
They, once upon a time, were your rays of sunlight.
They still can be.
But not if you forget.
"In my heart is the five of us
In white houses."
--->Vanessa Carlton "White Houses"
